Soliloquy
by Youshi Semenjyu
Summary: What cannot be expressed by lips may find its proper place in the realm of paper and ink....(A Remus Lupin Monologue) *Remus/Sirius slash*


Soliloquy   
By DuoLordOfDeath  
  
Disclaimer: As if I'm stupid enough to claim Remus Lupin and Sirius Black as my own...HA! I only claim the idea for this story!  
  
  
  
I have not led a charmed life.  
  
To say I've lived a happy life would be laughable; almost to the point that I might even go as far as to hex you for thinking something so presumtuous. Happy moments in a life do not constitute a happy life, as so many people are ill-led to believe. But then again, I digress. Not many people have lived the life - no, lives, that I have. Lives, you say? How can one man live two lives? Simple.  
  
If you're a werewolf, that is. Or a convicted fugitive, for that matter.   
  
Do you know what it's like to be hunted? Hated; reviled, and persecuted for something you are innocent of? I never asked to be bitten, just as Sirius never asked for the deaths of those people. We both just happened to be in the wrong palce at the wrong time...It amazes me even to this day how much Sirius and I are alike. Two bodies with one soul, it seems. My dear Sirius...I marvel at how he has perservered through it all. How he did it, I'll never know. In fact, how I managed to survive myself even remains a mystery to me.  
  
For me, my life has been a never-ending change of cycles, ever since I was very young. The moon has no pity on age; lycanthropy makes you it's slave from the moment it begins to traverse through your veins. It cares not if you're male, female, young, old, or alone. One of the few things I've found that doesn't discriminate. How ironic. This is my life as the wolf. I have no mind there; only want for terror, blood, the taste of raw, warm human flesh upon my lips. It was the life of pain; of darkness and hatred. It was my life without him. 13 years of misinformation; of bitter hatred and absolute loneliness. Twelve years of longing and pain and confusion. My only companion was the wolf...a companion for which I bore no love. Hell reigned in my mind; I thought I might go insane from the onslaught of that moondriven beast. But somehow, I made it through...every month, I would awaken from that silvery grip, pain ripping through my lean frame, and beg for darkness and death to overtake me. But that blessed realm always was out of my reach, it seemed. So I would live on, day by day, waiting for the next moon to wax to full. I had nothing else to hope for. My friends were dead, my family was gone, and my lover had suddenly became a murderous traitor. This was my life without Sirius Black.  
  
Heh...by the way this sounds, I make it seem as though I've never once experienced a happy day in my life. Well, if I've given you that impression, then I apologize. Through dribbled with darkness and deceit, I also have found great joy in my life. Days of nonsense; carefree laughter, and mindless games that I thought would never end. Friendship and camaradrie...and romance in all it's glorious splendor.   
  
Before the darkness, there was light, just as there is now light. For me, light was stormy grey eyes; careless ebony hair; a mirthful grin playing on handsome features. It was black leather and black fur; flying motorcycles and hearty laughter. He was that glorious splendor. He was the heated touch of lips and bare skin; the sweat against my brow. He was Sirius Black. He was my life.  
  
Of course, that was all shattered on Halloween fifteen years previous. Betrayal, blood, and flashes of emerald painted the sky that night; leaving two of my friends dead; my beloved framed, and my other friend a betrayer; a Death Eater. Never was there a time I longed for death more than when I watched that hell-bound boat depart the docks for the North Sea; a tall, lone figure watching me from the boat through the morning mist as he disappeared forever from my life. I've never forgotten that image; long black hair waving morosely in the wind; robes already tattered and dirty. He hadn't spoken a word since it happened, or so I'd heard...I turned to step away; to head to my empty home, when I heard a voice crying out over the chilly November winds...The voice was crying my name; clear and desperate and destitute. I turned sharply, just in time to see him vanish under the veil of the fog, and I had to convince myself not to run into that icy water and drown myself. No...the world didn't need another death.  
  
Now, as I lay here, writing this in the dimness of a single candle in my warm bed, I find that I'm glad that I conviced myself to live. I don't know what it was that persuaded me...but certainly, it was for the better gain. For I'm laying here, quill in hand, and pausing ever so often to regard the calm, slumbering features of the ebon-haired one that lays beside me. Your face is bathed the warm, soft light, and the traces of cruel Azkaban are almost gone...but most importantly, Sirius, you've come back to me.  
  
This soliloquy I dedicate to you, Sirius. My light, my love, and my life.   
  
  
- Remus J. Lupin  
  
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